Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] All right, and then on to the next fun emotion, fear.
[00:00:06] What I really would like to highlight in this section is you heard me talk about anxiety the first time or within the first round of emotions, and now I'm going to talk about fear. There is a difference between the two and oftentimes I think we use them in a way that is interchangeable. But I really want to highlight the difference of it so you know how to parent through that.
[00:00:27] And so fear and its quick definition is a short term protective emotion. And so these words can often look like scared, you're afraid, you're panicked, terrified, you're tense or uptight.
[00:00:42] So again, like anxiety, it's communicating that something you value is under threat.
[00:00:48] But what's different about fear is that it's what's right here in the present. And so oftentimes that can look like being scared of storms or scared of something that that is of physical danger right in front of you. Again, it's a emotion that is supposed to help your child and us protect ourselves.
[00:01:09] And so it focuses on the now. Once again, fear motivates us by seeking safety, control, and certainty. All three of these things are good when faced with danger. That's why we have fear. It's like our fight or flight mode. That's good. It helps us protect. However, once again, fear or safety, control and certainty can go bad very quickly if we cling to it. Safety is great until you cling to it so much that you can't step out of your comfort zone. All of these things can be good, yet when used in an unhealthy way, it can go bad very quickly. And I think that's what we're trying to communicate with all of these emotions up here. When they are healthy, they can help us in so many ways. When they are unhealthy, that's when you start seeing this spiral as well. And so we know that there's a flip to every emotion. Joy, anxiety, sadness, there's a positive to all of them when they're healthy, but when they're negative, that's when we start to see the hard that you have to parent through. And so that's what fear is.
[00:02:11] How does it present, like a lot of different emotions? Once again, it looks different, but it can look like physically, shortness of breath, increased heart rate, tense muscles, racing thoughts, stomach aches, trouble sleeping.
[00:02:26] All of these physical emotions that you see with a lot of other emotions.
[00:02:31] Behaviorally, it can look like they're quick to snap or overreact. They might seem dramatic or frustrated. All the time.
[00:02:39] And again they start to pull back socially. They're less talkative or less engaged.
[00:02:46] They get upset when things feel unpredictable because again, that's triggering their fight or flight mode. When something is uncertain, they are going into one of those modes. They are either going to fight and be irritable and maybe angry, but.
[00:03:02] Or they can go into flight mode and they retreat and they want to step back and they don't want to try new things and they don't want to go to school and they don't want to face that challenge, and so they become less engaged. You're going to see both flips of that coin there.
[00:03:17] But something that we want to highlight is that in the Old Testament it says in Isaiah 41:10 so do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen in you and help you.
[00:03:33] Fear is going to happen.
[00:03:35] It's not something that the Lord necessarily wants us to experience. But in my belief in what I have understood when I studied these emotions is that one day we're not going to have to worry about fear. When we're in heaven and we're in his presence, there is nothing that sin is doing that could possibly harm us. And so fear is not needed.
[00:03:57] So, but now when we're on this earth, there are things that can hurt us and there are things that can harm us. And so we are given the gift of the emotion fear to help protect us.
[00:04:09] We are given knowledge of this world to help us navigate this world. Fear is one of those things that helps us. Just because we're afraid doesn't mean that we don't trust the Lord. But the Lord wants to help strengthen us through it. When we're afraid, he can give us the courage.
[00:04:26] Another One is Psalm 56:3. It says, When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. Just like anxiety, when we are faced with these things, the second we draw close to the Lord is when we start to see anxiety and fear diminish.
[00:04:42] In the New Testament, John 14:27, it says, Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. This is actually the memory verse that we are using in kids. As we talk about these emotions, we have these emotions once again that God has given us as a gift. But we also know that God gives us his gift of peace.
[00:05:07] So when we are faced with these things, we can be reminded that God ultimately wants to give Us peace.
[00:05:14] And so that's just another reminder that when we are afraid and we draw close to the Lord, he can help us through all of that. One of my favorite things is Jesus actually helps demonstrate what to do in fear when he's walking on the water. He, Jesus was fully man and fully human. And so in his fully human state, he had every right to be terrified to walk on water. It's never been done. It was a very raging sea, storms, a lot of crazy. He could have been afraid. Yet in his fully human state or his fully man state, he decided to demonstrate that when we are faced with things that could give us a lot of fear, when we draw close to the Lord and keep our eyes on him rather than our surroundings, we can face it with courage. He walked on that water with courage, and he demonstrated that even when there's a scenario where we really can be afraid, the Lord can give us an abundance of courage that we can't do on our own. We see that with Peter. Peter had courage when he kept his eyes on the Lord, but the second that he dropped and he started looking around at his surroundings, he started.
[00:06:25] He had fear because he's fully human.
[00:06:29] But when he dropped into that water, Jesus pulled him back up and brought him right back. He didn't say, hey, you know, like, I'm gonna leave you in that fear state, but I want you to come back and keep your eyes on me. So God or Jesus demonstrated how to work through fearful situations in a way that draws us closer to God.
[00:06:49] So what are some common missteps?
[00:06:51] Well, removing the fear too quickly or trying to fix it, or when we try to protect them from feeling it, if we take away that fear when they're young or too quickly, then we take away the opportunity to learn where to go with it. And so just like anxiety and building resilience, I know it's our nature to want to protect these kids. I'm not a parent, but I do understand what that's. I want to be in your shoes. I so desperately want to, but I'm not there yet. But I do know as a parent, you want to protect your children.
[00:07:27] Protecting them from fear, protecting from the storms, but reminding them that even if I don't take it away, you can work through your emotions and you can give it to the Lord.
[00:07:39] Don't take it away too quickly. Don't try to overprotect. Let them work through it. Let them find God in it, because that's going to help them when they're outside of your care.
[00:07:49] Some practical tips that you can do with your kids.
[00:07:53] Talk through your fears.
[00:07:55] Doesn't matter what age. But as we start to verbalize everything, oftentimes that really helps us ground our minds.
[00:08:05] Nothing gets rid of fear so quickly as a person that they trust. And so if they can walk through their fears with you and they can say, I am terrified of this, but I'm gonna be in this with you, man, that fear immediately goes away or shrink, then shrink. Shrinkins. Shrinks. There we go, shrinks. I was like, what is the word? Shrinks. It's there, it's not shrinkings.
[00:08:30] Another thing that is a method that I have found very helpful in a lot of my classes with all emotions. Fear is a good one if you think about fear. When somebody is in a fear spiral, what do we want to do? We want to calm them. And so the calm method can be used with any emotion. But it goes like this. C stands for connect, which means connect with your kids. Become that safe place for them. If you are that safe place for them, they will be more willing to engage their emotions with you.
[00:09:04] They're not gonna connect with you or open up to you if they don't feel like they're safe and seen. So that is number one before anything else, before you try to fix the problem. Connect with your kids. That looks like the day to day life. It doesn't mean, okay, my child is afraid and so now I'm gonna try to connect with them.
[00:09:20] It means walk and do life with them. And so when the opportunity of fear arises, that connection is already built and they immediately run to their safe spot, which is you.
[00:09:32] So connect.
[00:09:34] And then A means acknowledge. Acknowledge the feeling.
[00:09:39] Don't dismiss it or try to solve it right away.
[00:09:41] Sometimes kids just need help identifying it again. We don't always understand what we're experiencing emotionally. I don't even always understand what I'm experiencing emotionally.
[00:09:52] Sometimes it helps just to have somebody else acknowledge it. Hey, I'm noticing this in you. Let's talk through it. Hey, I've noticed recently you've been a little bit more angry. Let's talk through that. Or different ways that you can identify what's going on in their day to day life. So acknowledge that and invite them into acknowledging that with you. And then L means to lead. So guide your kids in the right way to handle fear. So when they are faced with fear, lead them to scripture. Lead them to their safe spot. Lead them to a grounding place.
[00:10:30] Scripture memory is awesome for when they're faced with fear. Because when they are afraid. You can be reminded, hey, the Lord says I don't have to be afraid. Or, hey, here's all of these scriptures that I memorized back in kids ministry or back in student ministry, or back with mom and dad when we were doing our devotion time.
[00:10:49] It helps combat when our brain starts going, fight or flight. Fight or flight. We can be like, oh, here's the truth.
[00:10:55] So scripture memory, lead them in that. And then the last one is model, model. It oftentimes your actions speak louder than words. And so don't hesitate to hide your emotions from your kids. We've talked about this a lot, but let them watch you as you work through your emotions in a healthy way.
[00:11:14] When they watch you learn how to work through your emotions, and then they learn how to work through their fear as well. And so be that place where they can be like, I watched mom and dad do this when they were afraid. And so now I know that when I'm afraid, I can do this, invite them into that so that they know it's okay to be afraid, but they know what to do with it when that arises.
[00:11:36] So again, that's the difference between fear and anxiety. Fear is what's right there in front of them. And so the quickest thing to help them is to realize that they are safe and they are seen and they are loved and that it's okay to be afraid. But we know what we can do with that fear. We can give it to God. That doesn't mean the fear goes away, but it does mean that we can trust that God's got us through our fear.
[00:11:59] Something that I have loved. Kids book, little kids. I loved the picture book. I think it's really sweet. It's called It Will Be okay Trusting God Through Fear and Change.
[00:12:11] Just a really good picture book just reminding us that change is okay.
